What happens when you listen...

To be honest, last night was a rough night for me... My emotions hit me and I ended up on my knees crying out to God, but pretty mad at him at the same time. I guess that's my brutal honesty coming out... I was upset with God. And I didn't figure out why until today. Because a friend of mine listened. I actually had several friends listen to me today as a response of my facebook status last night. My friends displayed a huge reminder that God perfectly places people in our lives to care for us. So I get a call from a friend saying "God put it on my heart to call you", I hadn't heard from this friend in a few weeks and his timing was perfect. I needed his advice and I needed to talk to him, because what he said to me, he said because he knows my heart and loves me as a sister in Christ.

So what happens when we listen?

To God, to each other and to ourselves.

What happens when we answer a calling that God has placed on our hearts?

What happens when we are there for a friend in a time of need.

What happens when we stop and sit in silence and reflect on what our personal needs are?

I believe there are many answers, and my first instinct is to write the answers to the same questions I'm asking. But let me tell you what happened to me because my friend listened to what was on his heart, to call me.

He listened to God, and called me at a perfect time and we got to talk. I told him what I was going through and his advice was a reminder that God created me exactly how he wants me. This is what made me upset with God, because sometimes I'm frustrated with who I am, because I am a very deep feeler. I take other people's problems and I carry them on my shoulders. I take other people's disappointments and project them onto myself. And it wares on me. But my friend listened and reminded me that I need to be exactly who I was created to be. I need to feel for other people and care about them because people need to be cared for. I was created to be that person, just as you were created for a very specific and special person apart of God's plan for his creation.

So it comes full circle, because my friend listened to God and called me I was able to take the rest of the afternoon and listen to myself... To be reminded of my purpose and calling, which I am aware is not going to be easy. I may have many nights that end in tears and frustrations but I'm answering a calling to be the woman that God intends me to be. All I want to do is follow Christ, wherever that leads me is unknown to me now... but that's truly all I want to do.

The question is, what happens when you listen?

The answer, you'll never find out until you actually take the time to do it.

Thank you to my amazing friends who have been an incredible reminder of true love and beauty in my life.

Fireproof

I don't know if any of you have seen this movie called "Fireproof", but it's definitely one of those Christian movies with pretty bad acting but a great story. I have seen it before and I watched it again last night. There is something about it that got to me... here's what it made me think about.

That in life, relationships are the most important thing.

We could have an amazing career, house, etc. but if we are lacking the relationships that remind us daily that we aren't alone, we feel lonely all the time.

What makes life beautiful is the people in it...

... I take that for granted way too often. Because a lot of the time I think that the people in my life are there to stay, and I've learned that people are given to us and they are also taken away from us and it's about opening our hearts to learn what the people currently in our lives have to teach us and what we can teach them.

It's about making sure the people in our life are better off than they were before we met them, it's about building them up, encouraging them, showing them they are a light and that there is something great in them, even if they don't deserve it and even if they have hurt us.

Because WE are unworthy, I am unworthy of the grace and love that God has showed me yet he continuously shows it to me, daily. I keep running away, trying new things, filling my time with everything but him, but he is always there.. making me better than I was yesterday through his love.

I want to be that light for other people. When I think about it I get really nervous that I won't live up to the vision and commitment I have for the person that I want to be, but if I trust that God has a hold on my heart than I can be the wife and mother that I know I can be one day.

God has offered me grace and forgiveness in this life because I believe in him, that doesn't make my life fireproof.... the fires are STILL going to come, I'm still broken, I'm still in need of grace and I still find myself on my knees daily in need of Him... But because I'm not fireproof, I learn every day to trust in Him more because the fires will come, it's about how I handle them.

People hurt people... that's the truth... It's when we fall short of the people that we are supposed to be, and allow other things to get in the way of the life we are supposed to live that bring destruction and break each other hearts. It's giving up on a commitment in the hard time that ends marriage, or friendship, or jobs. I wonder if we were the people we wanted to be, the kind, patient, steadfast, loyal people that we know we want to be, then how many relationships would be saved? How many less hearts would be broken? If we thought about the words that came out of our mouth before we said them and before we hurt someone else, how would that affect how people see us? If we gave up addictions to harmful things, would we feel more honorable?

Maybe what I'm coming full circle on is that it's how we see ourselves and the way we want our life to be lived often coincides with how we feel on the inside. If our hearts aren't right, our life isn't right and we keep missing the target.

I need to refresh my heart, to remind myself daily of the person that I want to be and sync it with the words and actions that I'm living today. Because it's all of our today's that make our tomorrow's good or bad. I'm choosing good. I want to be the person that I know God created me to be, even though I don't feel like that person at all sometimes. My life isn't fireproof, but I find myself in the midst of an ocean of grace, forgiveness and love.

Airplanes and shooting stars

Two nights in a row around midnight I reluctantly take my dog Rocky out for a walk, it's cold and I'm exhausted from being on my feet all day at work. But I've taken the time to have a conversation with God, nothing too big or special, just a conversation. At a point in the conversation I stop looking down at my feet and start to gaze into the infinite abyss of a dark canvass of a sky and just look at the perfectly clear starry night. I think to myself how often we spend life looking at our feet and talking about our problems or struggles and how we rarely just stop talking and sit in silence and just be in awe of creation.

And the moment I stop looking down and I look up, mid conversation, I see a shooting star.

What is so special about a shooting star?

Is it because it's rare?

Because they aren't really rare, it's just rare when we see them.

It's rare for us to stop looking down at our own lives and look up to the sky. It's rare to just STOP our busy lives for a moment.

But we love when we see shooting stars because we are usually in a place when we can just stop and be. Maybe we are sitting around a campfire, listening to the crashing waves on the beach in the darkness of night, at a Rascal Flats concert with your best friend, or maybe we are sitting in Africa or Cambodia just having a hard night and struggling through things and we don't have any other option except to just look up, because we are desperate to experience something more than ourselves.

Seeing a shooting star is rare, but not because the stars are rare, because when we look up and surrender the busyness of life, it's rare and then we see a glimpse of light flash across the night sky and we are reminded that we are not alone, that there is an entire universe outside of ourselves and we become thankful that we took that very moment to look up and that we didn't miss it.

It's why famous music artists sing about pretending that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, because we can all use a wish right now.

Or maybe we can all use a minute to just stop what we are doing and look up, and see something special that takes our breath away no matter how many times we've seen it before, it's always different and it's always beautiful.

Torn

Torn between the good and the bad, the old self and the new.

Is this a new struggle? No, it's timeless. Centuries upon centuries, people have struggled with what each and every single one of us are struggling with right now.

The old self, or the future "hope-to-be" self.

Let's take a toll.. How many of us are COMPLETELY satisfied with the EXACT person we are now?

C'mon, let's be honest....

ladies? Gentlemen? ...

.. Yeah that's what I thought.. Probably none of us.

Most of us, ( I won't say all incase there is ONE person that has insanely convinced himself that he/she is 'perfect') are not completely satisfied at the people we are at this very moment. Most of us strive for change.. not only in ourselves but in the people around us, in our settings (jobs, living situations, people, etc).

So what is stopping us?

I (we) am torn. Agree or disagree? Please, let me know if I'm the ONLY human being that struggled with us.

Here's my example... it's personal and isn't intended to be offensive to anyone directly.

Let's take men. (Ha~ here we go)

I have settled for men in the past, sorry if you are someone I've dated, but this isn't directly toward you and if it is, i'm sure you aren't reading this from the various places you men are and I strongly doubt one of you in particular isn't reading this from a local county jail. (yup, long story)... I've settled, and believed lies about how much you cared and wanted to be with me, and I settled because I was scared what it would be like to aim high and not receive what I desired. So I settled for the abusive, promise-breaking A-holes that screwed with my heart and my life. Yup, if you're reading this and you are one of them (which I doubt), you Suck.

But I settled because I knew that the good guys- the nice ones, the ones that open doors, pay for meals, answer your calls when you need them, worry or care about you, yes, those amazing guys who all women want... I thought that you were too good for me. (there's one in particular right now that I'm thinking of...mystery man with a name I won't reveal)... I got scared every single time I got close to you because I didn't think I was good enough for you. So I settled for the temporary and exchanged a great individual.

I battled my old self- the part of me that was immature and selfish and i'm battling (yes, present- tense) the person that I am currently, and the person that I am aspiring to be. So here's my conclusion. I need to stop settling. Whether it's for a job (which I truly don't think I'm settling for right now) or a man ( or anything in between)... I need to realize that God has placed very specific and amazing people in my life for a reason and I need to stop taking that for granted. Thank you for being you, every single person in my life that has meant the world to me.

I see you, I feel you... I'm not taking you for granted anymore, and I'm going to prove that nice guys, don't finish last.

All my heart and soul,

Laura

A story about a girl...

I heard a story tonight about a girl in Sierra Leone... You may not think this effects you, but in some way it does.

A woman walked more than 30 miles in the hot humid summer in Sierra leone with a child in her arms that was not hers. She was walking for a purpose, to get to the closest medical treatment facility, which was funded and built by COTN (Children of the Nations) that is the closest facility within 100 miles. She walked because she held in her arms the baby of her sister who had recently died during child birth. The baby was sick and she was desperate. Not only was this woman grieving the loss of her sister, but was carrying for her new niece who was painstakingly dehydrated. The baby was in such a severe position that the newborn's head was beginning to cave in response to the lack of nourishment and hydration. The woman desperately sought the care of doctors and the doctors used COTN medical supplies and food packaging. Food packaging is what we do here in the states. We get together in groups and package thousands of meals to send to help orphans and widows abroad. The food is so nutrient filled that the COTN doctors were able to mix the food with water and give it to the baby, days later the baby was almost fully recovered and was gaining back all its strength. The woman was sent back to her village with several packages of COTN food for her and her new baby to

survive...

this food effects thousands and thousands of people daily...

There are several stories telling how far God is reaching to care for his people, and he is using us to do this work. I feel so honored and blessed to be apart of this work and I am excited to say that my position at COTN in the Orange County office is to be the food packaging coordinator for OC region. Together we can package food to send to Sierra Leone, Uganda, Malawi, Liberia, Dominican Republic and Haiti to create more stories of lives being saved with our help.

Thank you!

Lonely in a crowd of people

I know I'm not the only one that feels like I do, but I may be the only one willing to talk about it.

Even when I'm surrounded by a crowd of people I love and care about, I can still feel lonely. Because the people that I'm surrounded by don't necessarily know me or know my heart, and even if they do, they don't really understand me. I think it is a very special thing to be known and loved for being that person and it's a rare thing when we find it. Friends, family, spouses and various relationships often offer tid bits of that feeling of being known.

But those tid bits don't last long, I've noticed they go in phases and in between the phases I often busy myself to the point that I don't feel like I'm even missing something at all.

I just want to be known, accepted, loved for who I am and challenged to become the woman that I'm created to be.

Have you ever felt this? I would love some feedback on this and to unite in this. It's not that I don't have any friends, trust me I love the people that I'm surrounded by and feel very blessed. But there are moments when I feel lonely in a crowd of people.

Why do we feel like this?

Here's what I've come to think... that the only one that knows my heart and loves me the same is Jesus, and he's the only one that can fulfill me the way I need to be fulfilled. But when I take a look at my relationship with God and realize it's not what I want it to be, I realize I'm the one that's walked away. I'm the one that's left and I'm the reason I feel lonely. But to be honest... I don't always know how to be fulfilled through God because I'm yearning for the tangible and that's not always how God works.

I know the answer to the question "What defines me", I know I am defined as a child of Christ, a daughter of the king and that I'm saved my grace... but sometimes it's SO hard for me to believe and to live my life accordingly.

Are you having a hard time uniting what you believe to how you live your life?

Things change- faith and hard work

It's so easy to get caught up the plans we make for ourselves and forget that we aren't the ones in control of our lives.

The crazy thing is that after college you can do whatever you want, literally have all the freedom in the world. YOU choose whether you go to grad school, law school, or seminary. If you want to work right away at a desk job or take some time to travel. The choice is fully yours minus the social norms and expectations. I struggled with this because the boundaries of life are what kept me in check for most of my existence and the freedom scares me. It's like writing an essay to me, or even what it's like trying to pick a topic to right about for this blog, there are too many choices and I feel so easily overwhelmed.

I have been graduated since December and I've done my fair share of random jobs, always worrying about whether my next paycheck will cover my car payment or other bills. I've consumed myself with the worry of tomorrow and haven't learned how to live fully in today. But for some reason, I have to admit, it's always worked out. I have always had enough money to cover my payments and worrying isn't what got the money into my account. It was faith and hard work. So I believe that's what it takes... instead of worrying about what job I'm going to work or what career path I should take I am going to rely on my faith that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now and I'm going to work hard in what I'm doing at the moment and trusting that it will lead me where I'm supposed to be.

You only know what road to start traveling on once you've started walking on it.