Being thankful

God has exceedingly shown his faithfulness lately. I constantly have been feeling his voice saying "just trust me"... so I have, and I've allowed God to use the people in my life to bring an overwhelming amount of encouragement and love. One of my dearest friends and mentor said to me that even in the midst of a difficult situation, always be thankful because as soon as you are thankful for something is squash's Satan's ability to get you down. So Jason and I started a tradition where we write on a whiteboard on the refrigerator every day the reason we are thankful for that day. It's been a great way to think positively and live in thankfulness to Christ. What are you thankful for today?

My story & my son-

I'm not sure how to even begin this blog, but I guess that I just did. I have been apprehensive about even opening up a "new post" on here because I knew it would bring me to this moment of being completely real and honest with myself and I haven't been able to do that with my whole heart in a long time.

The truth is, I haven't been the best version of my self and I have made a few decisions in this last year that have led me to some pretty dark places in my life. My sin drowned me for a while and it wasn't until I was pulled out of the depths of the darkness I had allowed to be created around me that I realized the pain and despair I was causing others. The thing is, I brought it on myself, and I have and will continue to own that because as long as I own it I realize I am washed clean by the redemptive waters of Christ. My faith and hope in him is new each morning, and I have found a whole new definition of trusting my faithful father throughout all of this.

Without any excuses for my actions or justifications for why I did what I did, I will confess my short comings in order to allow my story and the people involved in my story to continue to allow it to be turned into God's story. He is the ruler of my life, regardless of the bad decisions I have made, He has been faithful to me. In premarital counseling yesterday, the pastor who is going to marry Jason and I told us that the bad things (sin) in our lives all have repercussions, all sin has consequence, even though we are forgiven, doesn't mean we do not have to suffer the consequences of our sins. Our pastor also told us that the consequences to our sins will always turn into blessings when we give them to God. I am at the place in my life where the repercussions are turning to blessings and it is a great place to be standing. With that I understand that my story cannot be used for the good and glory for His Kingdom if it not spoken aloud. So as I humble myself before myself and ask that you continue reading.. and to ask me questions, challenge me come along side of me as we are all sinners in need of grace.

As you know, I am getting married very soon to an incredible man named Jason. We met on e-harmony in April and quickly hit it off, we have been inseparable ever since. As Jason has walked with me through the hardest time in my life. It wasn't even 2 weeks into Jason and I dating that I found out I was pregnant from my previous relationship. It was the first time in my life where I understood completely if the man I was with wanted to leave me, I did not deserve to ask him to stand by my side but he chose to and we walked through this journey together. The people that I had told were numbered few but the ones that I did I had received the response of abortion being my number one option. For me, it wasn't even a thought. Yes it was the easy route, a quick fix to a mistake... But to me, that was never an option. Because that was no option for me I was kicked out of the house I was living. I knew the journey ahead of me was going to be difficult but I had no idea how difficult it was about to get.

It is hard to illustrate the months of suffering and decision making I went through, but I had made a conscious decision that adoption was the best option for the baby I was carrying. I had grown up in a home where my parents were not together, I know brokenness well and I did not want that for this baby. I wanted one home with two loving parents that would take care of him and to be raised with a foundation of Christ. I researched adoption and God brought to me an amazing adoptive couple whom I had met with several times and fallen in love with. They are incredible people and I will forever be connected to them as my brothers and sisters in Christ. I had 5 weeks left until my due date and at the park one night with Jason and our dogs, my water broke. I went into labor and immediately left for the hospital. I honestly couldn't get the epidural fast enough ( I really don't know how some women do natural birth- I am still amazed at the amount of pain I experienced! ) I checked into the hospital at 10:30pm and at 5:00am I was woken up by the doctors and nurses with a 103 fever and the baby's heart rate was bad, I was rushed in for an emergency C-section and at 5:33am on November 9th, 2011, Jacob Andrew Beale was born.

Jason stepped up and supported me in all ways a man can and without him, I wouldn't have gotten through any of this. 

So here I am today with a son who I have to share with a man who isn't my husband and with that dwells challenges that are a consequence to having sex outside of marriage. What comes now is telling everyone about my son, who is the most precious gift of life I have ever experienced. I am thankful that God's plans were different than mine because I know that His will is to bring glory to him and he's allowing me to be used for that.

Here I am amazed that if I looked back on where I was a year ago today and someone told me where I would be I would have laughed in their face. But I'm here, my journey is not over and my adventure has added 2 more people I get to share my life with, my future husband Jason and my son, Jacob. Please experience this journey with me because I realize what I've missed so much these last few months and it's sharing my heart through words.

Thanks for reading.

Xo,

LB

Discipline

So many great things in this life come from a direct result of discipline.

But as human beings we often shy away from discipline because it hurts and takes sacrifice. Being refined in the fire is one of the most painful things I can say I've experienced because it requires taking a look inside my heart and seeing where I've fallen short.

To be brutally honest I've completely turned away from self-discipline which leaves me at a place where I can hardly commit to anything because I'm not disciplined.

I spent a summer in Africa 3 years ago in the word DAILY, and my relationship with the Lord was so strong that I knew nothing could break it. But then I came back to the states and it has been a continual struggle for me. All I want is to have the motivation to wake up every day and read my bible. Why can't I do this?

I have the best intentions in my heart, I have moments where I kick myself for not doing it sooner and vow to make a difference in my life. And time after time I fail.

I just figured out why...

because I try to do everything on my own, because I think that even in my relationship with Jesus, I don't need Jesus. That I can do it by myself, where does that leave me? Back in the same place, realizing I can't do anything without Christ. I really can't. And I think our society has told us that we can because it's pretty easy to live every day not even thinking about God.

But self-discipline is a learned characteristic and I'm ready to learn. I'm ready to admit this fault and throw it into the fire to be refined. I will post more about how I'm planning on doing this in my life, but let's just be honest... I've had enough at being the same... I'm ready for a change.

In Loving Memory of Andrew Klausmeyer

On Monday January 17th at around 6:11pm there was a car accident in Denver off I-70. Four men were in the car when the car was clipped by another car, lost control and then flipped 3-5 times. Andrew Klausmeyer, my beloved family member, was ejected from the car, snapped his neck and died instantly. One other was ejected from the car but survived, is in critical condition in the hospital right now. The other two men that were sitting on the left side of the car walked away without hardly a scratch.

Life is so unpredictable, and thousands of lives were effected by the death of Andrew Klausmeyer.

My sister started dating Andrew on November 22nd, 2008. I was ecstatic to hear stories of this fine young gentleman who showed my sister a level of love that many never experience in a lifetime. It wasn't too long before Andrew came to visit us in California for the holidays and we welcomed this charismatic young man into our family instantly. He was such a kind, generous, social, adventurous, giving, confident, hard working and loving human being. We got a long so well, I consider him my brother for how he looks out for my sister, myself and my family. He was eager to help us in any way, whether it was trying to help me find a new car last year around this time, or taking us all out to go wine tasting for my sister's 25th birthday, or taking us all out on New Years and buying everyone drinks, Andrew loved to give.

I can't find anything bad to say about Andrew, in the past some of you may have heard me say that sometimes Andrew was selfish, etc. But I only said that because I didn't really know him like I feel like I do now. Let's just be honest, when aren't we ALL selfish? But despite that, Andrew lived a life seemingly knowing that he was going to die at a young age. In the 24 years of life here he accomplished more than many do in a life time. He traveled the world, worked for a very successful company, was on the board of children's hospital charity's... he is truly a remarkable young man.

2011 was supposed to be Andrew's year, as well as my sister's. As Andrew's boss said yesterday at the funeral, this year for Andrew was supposed to be one filled with a big promotion at work, a fiance and to get in shape. His year isn't done being lived. Even though his life was cut short, I truly believe that each one of us that Andrew's life touched will do everything we can to make this our year- to live every single day to it's fullest, to love with our whole hearts, to make others around us smile, to work hard and play hard and to do anything we can do MAKE IT HAPPEN. Andrew, I miss you every day and I feel so deeply in my heart for how much my sister misses you... I will watch out for her this year and I know you will too.. I will do everything I can do make this year the best for all of us and I will do it thinking of you every moment.

Thank you for your love, your joy, your laugh, your smile, your generosity, your patience, your ability to challenge and change the people around you. Until we meet again in Heaven, I will miss you daily.

Rest In Peace.

FULL CIRCLE

I have been meaning to write this down for a while, and I'm sure I'll come back to add more to it. But I want to express how my life has truly come full circle. And let me say, life is NEVER how we plan it.

Here's how it's come full circle:

I'm back in Orange County where I grew up. Not only that but the reason I moved back here was to take an internship with the church I started attending when I was 15, Presbyterian Church of the Master. So this summer I was a youth director at the church that I attended in high school, I stepped into the role that I admired when I was in high school. Full circle.

When I moved back here, I got back in touch with the stables I grew up riding at, Nellie Gail equestrian center. I reconnected with my best friend for years, April Branson, and picked up right where we left off after 7 years of being disconnected. Full circle.

I recently rescued a horse off a racetrack and am back to owning my own horse. I haven't owned my own horse since I was 15. Full circle.

I'm currently working for the non-profit that I first found out about when I was 15 through PCOM and traveled my first trip to Dominican Republic with. Children of the Nations is a non-profit that 'raises children who transform nations' and I couldn't have dreamed of a job that suited me more. Full circle.

I think "15" is a big number for me, because all these amazing things happened in my life when I was 15, and I'm staring life in the face and I'm thankful for where I've been and where I am.

So here I am, back where I never thought I would be. Doing what I never dreamed I could do. I've been blessed enough to see parts of the world that have left me awe struck, I've held hands of children in Africa and Dominican Republic that have showed me an incredible amount of joy and love, I was tragically denied my passion for horseback riding 8 years ago, but I decided that horses are my passion and are connected to my soul so I'm working as much as I can to afford a horse that I have rescued.

Life has truly come full circle for me in the best possible way. I have worked hard and lost my sense of entitlement for the things I have and want which I find is a huge accomplishment in the area that I grew up in. I am confident that I am not done growing yet, that I will continue to be shaped into the woman that I dream to be, but it's truly refreshing to look back and see that God has held me in his hands this entire time, and has guided me to a place where I can tangibly see him working in my life.

I'm so thankful and I'm ready for the work ahead, bring it on... ROCK AND ROLL!

Premium Flyer

January 6th, 2011 I get a 5am wake up call, Premium Flyer has arrived.

Rewind 3 days.

I get a e-mail that there's a racehorse up north that has a fractured knee cap and needs a home before they put him down. I haven't owned a horse since I was 15, and let's just be honest... the equestrian show jumping world and racehorse world are extremely different. I'm not sure what kind of responsibility I'm taking on, but I agree. I can't help all the horses that are victims of the industry that disposes of them when they are not capable of performing their purpose perfectly.

So I agreed to find a home for Premium Flyer, he's stall bound (can't walk) for 3 months. Well, that's absolute TORTURE for a horse that has spent every waking moment running and racing.

But January 6th early morning, Premium Flyer steps off the trailer, and walks right into my heart. He's a beautiful horse, with a uncrushable spirit and an uncanny personality. We watched the sunrise together that morning, just the two of us in the silence of the morning mist. I was immediately amazed by him.

I've spent every moment that I'm not working with this horse, taking care of him. He's a big responsibility and at this very moment he's very bored because he's not used to being stuck in a stall all day, let alone for three months to come. I feel bad, but all I can do is love him. I am gracious for the family who's backyard he is in now, they are extremely generous and very smart when it comes to horses. I am thankful for the support that I've had from my friends and family, and I'm very excited to keep you all updated on how Premium Flyer is doing. Thank you for your support!

What happens when you listen...

To be honest, last night was a rough night for me... My emotions hit me and I ended up on my knees crying out to God, but pretty mad at him at the same time. I guess that's my brutal honesty coming out... I was upset with God. And I didn't figure out why until today. Because a friend of mine listened. I actually had several friends listen to me today as a response of my facebook status last night. My friends displayed a huge reminder that God perfectly places people in our lives to care for us. So I get a call from a friend saying "God put it on my heart to call you", I hadn't heard from this friend in a few weeks and his timing was perfect. I needed his advice and I needed to talk to him, because what he said to me, he said because he knows my heart and loves me as a sister in Christ.

So what happens when we listen?

To God, to each other and to ourselves.

What happens when we answer a calling that God has placed on our hearts?

What happens when we are there for a friend in a time of need.

What happens when we stop and sit in silence and reflect on what our personal needs are?

I believe there are many answers, and my first instinct is to write the answers to the same questions I'm asking. But let me tell you what happened to me because my friend listened to what was on his heart, to call me.

He listened to God, and called me at a perfect time and we got to talk. I told him what I was going through and his advice was a reminder that God created me exactly how he wants me. This is what made me upset with God, because sometimes I'm frustrated with who I am, because I am a very deep feeler. I take other people's problems and I carry them on my shoulders. I take other people's disappointments and project them onto myself. And it wares on me. But my friend listened and reminded me that I need to be exactly who I was created to be. I need to feel for other people and care about them because people need to be cared for. I was created to be that person, just as you were created for a very specific and special person apart of God's plan for his creation.

So it comes full circle, because my friend listened to God and called me I was able to take the rest of the afternoon and listen to myself... To be reminded of my purpose and calling, which I am aware is not going to be easy. I may have many nights that end in tears and frustrations but I'm answering a calling to be the woman that God intends me to be. All I want to do is follow Christ, wherever that leads me is unknown to me now... but that's truly all I want to do.

The question is, what happens when you listen?

The answer, you'll never find out until you actually take the time to do it.

Thank you to my amazing friends who have been an incredible reminder of true love and beauty in my life.