Discipline

So many great things in this life come from a direct result of discipline.

But as human beings we often shy away from discipline because it hurts and takes sacrifice. Being refined in the fire is one of the most painful things I can say I've experienced because it requires taking a look inside my heart and seeing where I've fallen short.

To be brutally honest I've completely turned away from self-discipline which leaves me at a place where I can hardly commit to anything because I'm not disciplined.

I spent a summer in Africa 3 years ago in the word DAILY, and my relationship with the Lord was so strong that I knew nothing could break it. But then I came back to the states and it has been a continual struggle for me. All I want is to have the motivation to wake up every day and read my bible. Why can't I do this?

I have the best intentions in my heart, I have moments where I kick myself for not doing it sooner and vow to make a difference in my life. And time after time I fail.

I just figured out why...

because I try to do everything on my own, because I think that even in my relationship with Jesus, I don't need Jesus. That I can do it by myself, where does that leave me? Back in the same place, realizing I can't do anything without Christ. I really can't. And I think our society has told us that we can because it's pretty easy to live every day not even thinking about God.

But self-discipline is a learned characteristic and I'm ready to learn. I'm ready to admit this fault and throw it into the fire to be refined. I will post more about how I'm planning on doing this in my life, but let's just be honest... I've had enough at being the same... I'm ready for a change.

In Loving Memory of Andrew Klausmeyer

On Monday January 17th at around 6:11pm there was a car accident in Denver off I-70. Four men were in the car when the car was clipped by another car, lost control and then flipped 3-5 times. Andrew Klausmeyer, my beloved family member, was ejected from the car, snapped his neck and died instantly. One other was ejected from the car but survived, is in critical condition in the hospital right now. The other two men that were sitting on the left side of the car walked away without hardly a scratch.

Life is so unpredictable, and thousands of lives were effected by the death of Andrew Klausmeyer.

My sister started dating Andrew on November 22nd, 2008. I was ecstatic to hear stories of this fine young gentleman who showed my sister a level of love that many never experience in a lifetime. It wasn't too long before Andrew came to visit us in California for the holidays and we welcomed this charismatic young man into our family instantly. He was such a kind, generous, social, adventurous, giving, confident, hard working and loving human being. We got a long so well, I consider him my brother for how he looks out for my sister, myself and my family. He was eager to help us in any way, whether it was trying to help me find a new car last year around this time, or taking us all out to go wine tasting for my sister's 25th birthday, or taking us all out on New Years and buying everyone drinks, Andrew loved to give.

I can't find anything bad to say about Andrew, in the past some of you may have heard me say that sometimes Andrew was selfish, etc. But I only said that because I didn't really know him like I feel like I do now. Let's just be honest, when aren't we ALL selfish? But despite that, Andrew lived a life seemingly knowing that he was going to die at a young age. In the 24 years of life here he accomplished more than many do in a life time. He traveled the world, worked for a very successful company, was on the board of children's hospital charity's... he is truly a remarkable young man.

2011 was supposed to be Andrew's year, as well as my sister's. As Andrew's boss said yesterday at the funeral, this year for Andrew was supposed to be one filled with a big promotion at work, a fiance and to get in shape. His year isn't done being lived. Even though his life was cut short, I truly believe that each one of us that Andrew's life touched will do everything we can to make this our year- to live every single day to it's fullest, to love with our whole hearts, to make others around us smile, to work hard and play hard and to do anything we can do MAKE IT HAPPEN. Andrew, I miss you every day and I feel so deeply in my heart for how much my sister misses you... I will watch out for her this year and I know you will too.. I will do everything I can do make this year the best for all of us and I will do it thinking of you every moment.

Thank you for your love, your joy, your laugh, your smile, your generosity, your patience, your ability to challenge and change the people around you. Until we meet again in Heaven, I will miss you daily.

Rest In Peace.

FULL CIRCLE

I have been meaning to write this down for a while, and I'm sure I'll come back to add more to it. But I want to express how my life has truly come full circle. And let me say, life is NEVER how we plan it.

Here's how it's come full circle:

I'm back in Orange County where I grew up. Not only that but the reason I moved back here was to take an internship with the church I started attending when I was 15, Presbyterian Church of the Master. So this summer I was a youth director at the church that I attended in high school, I stepped into the role that I admired when I was in high school. Full circle.

When I moved back here, I got back in touch with the stables I grew up riding at, Nellie Gail equestrian center. I reconnected with my best friend for years, April Branson, and picked up right where we left off after 7 years of being disconnected. Full circle.

I recently rescued a horse off a racetrack and am back to owning my own horse. I haven't owned my own horse since I was 15. Full circle.

I'm currently working for the non-profit that I first found out about when I was 15 through PCOM and traveled my first trip to Dominican Republic with. Children of the Nations is a non-profit that 'raises children who transform nations' and I couldn't have dreamed of a job that suited me more. Full circle.

I think "15" is a big number for me, because all these amazing things happened in my life when I was 15, and I'm staring life in the face and I'm thankful for where I've been and where I am.

So here I am, back where I never thought I would be. Doing what I never dreamed I could do. I've been blessed enough to see parts of the world that have left me awe struck, I've held hands of children in Africa and Dominican Republic that have showed me an incredible amount of joy and love, I was tragically denied my passion for horseback riding 8 years ago, but I decided that horses are my passion and are connected to my soul so I'm working as much as I can to afford a horse that I have rescued.

Life has truly come full circle for me in the best possible way. I have worked hard and lost my sense of entitlement for the things I have and want which I find is a huge accomplishment in the area that I grew up in. I am confident that I am not done growing yet, that I will continue to be shaped into the woman that I dream to be, but it's truly refreshing to look back and see that God has held me in his hands this entire time, and has guided me to a place where I can tangibly see him working in my life.

I'm so thankful and I'm ready for the work ahead, bring it on... ROCK AND ROLL!

Premium Flyer

January 6th, 2011 I get a 5am wake up call, Premium Flyer has arrived.

Rewind 3 days.

I get a e-mail that there's a racehorse up north that has a fractured knee cap and needs a home before they put him down. I haven't owned a horse since I was 15, and let's just be honest... the equestrian show jumping world and racehorse world are extremely different. I'm not sure what kind of responsibility I'm taking on, but I agree. I can't help all the horses that are victims of the industry that disposes of them when they are not capable of performing their purpose perfectly.

So I agreed to find a home for Premium Flyer, he's stall bound (can't walk) for 3 months. Well, that's absolute TORTURE for a horse that has spent every waking moment running and racing.

But January 6th early morning, Premium Flyer steps off the trailer, and walks right into my heart. He's a beautiful horse, with a uncrushable spirit and an uncanny personality. We watched the sunrise together that morning, just the two of us in the silence of the morning mist. I was immediately amazed by him.

I've spent every moment that I'm not working with this horse, taking care of him. He's a big responsibility and at this very moment he's very bored because he's not used to being stuck in a stall all day, let alone for three months to come. I feel bad, but all I can do is love him. I am gracious for the family who's backyard he is in now, they are extremely generous and very smart when it comes to horses. I am thankful for the support that I've had from my friends and family, and I'm very excited to keep you all updated on how Premium Flyer is doing. Thank you for your support!

What happens when you listen...

To be honest, last night was a rough night for me... My emotions hit me and I ended up on my knees crying out to God, but pretty mad at him at the same time. I guess that's my brutal honesty coming out... I was upset with God. And I didn't figure out why until today. Because a friend of mine listened. I actually had several friends listen to me today as a response of my facebook status last night. My friends displayed a huge reminder that God perfectly places people in our lives to care for us. So I get a call from a friend saying "God put it on my heart to call you", I hadn't heard from this friend in a few weeks and his timing was perfect. I needed his advice and I needed to talk to him, because what he said to me, he said because he knows my heart and loves me as a sister in Christ.

So what happens when we listen?

To God, to each other and to ourselves.

What happens when we answer a calling that God has placed on our hearts?

What happens when we are there for a friend in a time of need.

What happens when we stop and sit in silence and reflect on what our personal needs are?

I believe there are many answers, and my first instinct is to write the answers to the same questions I'm asking. But let me tell you what happened to me because my friend listened to what was on his heart, to call me.

He listened to God, and called me at a perfect time and we got to talk. I told him what I was going through and his advice was a reminder that God created me exactly how he wants me. This is what made me upset with God, because sometimes I'm frustrated with who I am, because I am a very deep feeler. I take other people's problems and I carry them on my shoulders. I take other people's disappointments and project them onto myself. And it wares on me. But my friend listened and reminded me that I need to be exactly who I was created to be. I need to feel for other people and care about them because people need to be cared for. I was created to be that person, just as you were created for a very specific and special person apart of God's plan for his creation.

So it comes full circle, because my friend listened to God and called me I was able to take the rest of the afternoon and listen to myself... To be reminded of my purpose and calling, which I am aware is not going to be easy. I may have many nights that end in tears and frustrations but I'm answering a calling to be the woman that God intends me to be. All I want to do is follow Christ, wherever that leads me is unknown to me now... but that's truly all I want to do.

The question is, what happens when you listen?

The answer, you'll never find out until you actually take the time to do it.

Thank you to my amazing friends who have been an incredible reminder of true love and beauty in my life.

Fireproof

I don't know if any of you have seen this movie called "Fireproof", but it's definitely one of those Christian movies with pretty bad acting but a great story. I have seen it before and I watched it again last night. There is something about it that got to me... here's what it made me think about.

That in life, relationships are the most important thing.

We could have an amazing career, house, etc. but if we are lacking the relationships that remind us daily that we aren't alone, we feel lonely all the time.

What makes life beautiful is the people in it...

... I take that for granted way too often. Because a lot of the time I think that the people in my life are there to stay, and I've learned that people are given to us and they are also taken away from us and it's about opening our hearts to learn what the people currently in our lives have to teach us and what we can teach them.

It's about making sure the people in our life are better off than they were before we met them, it's about building them up, encouraging them, showing them they are a light and that there is something great in them, even if they don't deserve it and even if they have hurt us.

Because WE are unworthy, I am unworthy of the grace and love that God has showed me yet he continuously shows it to me, daily. I keep running away, trying new things, filling my time with everything but him, but he is always there.. making me better than I was yesterday through his love.

I want to be that light for other people. When I think about it I get really nervous that I won't live up to the vision and commitment I have for the person that I want to be, but if I trust that God has a hold on my heart than I can be the wife and mother that I know I can be one day.

God has offered me grace and forgiveness in this life because I believe in him, that doesn't make my life fireproof.... the fires are STILL going to come, I'm still broken, I'm still in need of grace and I still find myself on my knees daily in need of Him... But because I'm not fireproof, I learn every day to trust in Him more because the fires will come, it's about how I handle them.

People hurt people... that's the truth... It's when we fall short of the people that we are supposed to be, and allow other things to get in the way of the life we are supposed to live that bring destruction and break each other hearts. It's giving up on a commitment in the hard time that ends marriage, or friendship, or jobs. I wonder if we were the people we wanted to be, the kind, patient, steadfast, loyal people that we know we want to be, then how many relationships would be saved? How many less hearts would be broken? If we thought about the words that came out of our mouth before we said them and before we hurt someone else, how would that affect how people see us? If we gave up addictions to harmful things, would we feel more honorable?

Maybe what I'm coming full circle on is that it's how we see ourselves and the way we want our life to be lived often coincides with how we feel on the inside. If our hearts aren't right, our life isn't right and we keep missing the target.

I need to refresh my heart, to remind myself daily of the person that I want to be and sync it with the words and actions that I'm living today. Because it's all of our today's that make our tomorrow's good or bad. I'm choosing good. I want to be the person that I know God created me to be, even though I don't feel like that person at all sometimes. My life isn't fireproof, but I find myself in the midst of an ocean of grace, forgiveness and love.

Airplanes and shooting stars

Two nights in a row around midnight I reluctantly take my dog Rocky out for a walk, it's cold and I'm exhausted from being on my feet all day at work. But I've taken the time to have a conversation with God, nothing too big or special, just a conversation. At a point in the conversation I stop looking down at my feet and start to gaze into the infinite abyss of a dark canvass of a sky and just look at the perfectly clear starry night. I think to myself how often we spend life looking at our feet and talking about our problems or struggles and how we rarely just stop talking and sit in silence and just be in awe of creation.

And the moment I stop looking down and I look up, mid conversation, I see a shooting star.

What is so special about a shooting star?

Is it because it's rare?

Because they aren't really rare, it's just rare when we see them.

It's rare for us to stop looking down at our own lives and look up to the sky. It's rare to just STOP our busy lives for a moment.

But we love when we see shooting stars because we are usually in a place when we can just stop and be. Maybe we are sitting around a campfire, listening to the crashing waves on the beach in the darkness of night, at a Rascal Flats concert with your best friend, or maybe we are sitting in Africa or Cambodia just having a hard night and struggling through things and we don't have any other option except to just look up, because we are desperate to experience something more than ourselves.

Seeing a shooting star is rare, but not because the stars are rare, because when we look up and surrender the busyness of life, it's rare and then we see a glimpse of light flash across the night sky and we are reminded that we are not alone, that there is an entire universe outside of ourselves and we become thankful that we took that very moment to look up and that we didn't miss it.

It's why famous music artists sing about pretending that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, because we can all use a wish right now.

Or maybe we can all use a minute to just stop what we are doing and look up, and see something special that takes our breath away no matter how many times we've seen it before, it's always different and it's always beautiful.