Wednesday, January 11, 2012

My story & my son-

I'm not sure how to even begin this blog, but I guess that I just did. I have been apprehensive about even opening up a "new post" on here because I knew it would bring me to this moment of being completely real and honest with myself and I haven't been able to do that with my whole heart in a long time.
The truth is, I haven't been the best version of my self and I have made a few decisions in this last year that have led me to some pretty dark places in my life. My sin drowned me for a while and it wasn't until I was pulled out of the depths of the darkness I had allowed to be created around me that I realized the pain and despair I was causing others. The thing is, I brought it on myself, and I have and will continue to own that because as long as I own it I realize I am washed clean by the redemptive waters of Christ. My faith and hope in him is new each morning, and I have found a whole new definition of trusting my faithful father throughout all of this.
Without any excuses for my actions or justifications for why I did what I did, I will confess my short comings in order to allow my story and the people involved in my story to continue to allow it to be turned into God's story. He is the ruler of my life, regardless of the bad decisions I have made, He has been faithful to me. In premarital counseling yesterday, the pastor who is going to marry Jason and I told us that the bad things (sin) in our lives all have repercussions, all sin has consequence, even though we are forgiven, doesn't mean we do not have to suffer the consequences of our sins. Our pastor also told us that the consequences to our sins will always turn into blessings when we give them to God. I am at the place in my life where the repercussions are turning to blessings and it is a great place to be standing. With that I understand that my story cannot be used for the good and glory for His Kingdom if it not spoken aloud. So as I humble myself before myself and ask that you continue reading.. and to ask me questions, challenge me come along side of me as we are all sinners in need of grace.

As you know, I am getting married very soon to an incredible man named Jason. We met on e-harmony in April and quickly hit it off, we have been inseparable ever since. As Jason has walked with me through the hardest time in my life. It wasn't even 2 weeks into Jason and I dating that I found out I was pregnant from my previous relationship. It was the first time in my life where I understood completely if the man I was with wanted to leave me, I did not deserve to ask him to stand by my side but he chose to and we walked through this journey together. The people that I had told were numbered few but the ones that I did I had received the response of abortion being my number one option. For me, it wasn't even a thought. Yes it was the easy route, a quick fix to a mistake... But to me, that was never an option. Because that was no option for me I was kicked out of the house I was living. I knew the journey ahead of me was going to be difficult but I had no idea how difficult it was about to get.
It is hard to illustrate the months of suffering and decision making I went through, but I had made a conscious decision that adoption was the best option for the baby I was carrying. I had grown up in a home where my parents were not together, I know brokenness well and I did not want that for this baby. I wanted one home with two loving parents that would take care of him and to be raised with a foundation of Christ. I researched adoption and God brought to me an amazing adoptive couple whom I had met with several times and fallen in love with. They are incredible people and I will forever be connected to them as my brothers and sisters in Christ. I had 5 weeks left until my due date and at the park one night with Jason and our dogs, my water broke. I went into labor and immediately left for the hospital. I honestly couldn't get the epidural fast enough ( I really don't know how some women do natural birth- I am still amazed at the amount of pain I experienced! ) I checked into the hospital at 10:30pm and at 5:00am I was woken up by the doctors and nurses with a 103 fever and the baby's heart rate was bad, I was rushed in for an emergency C-section and at 5:33am on November 9th, 2011, Jacob Andrew Beale was born.
Jason stepped up and supported me in all ways a man can and without him, I wouldn't have gotten through any of this. 
So here I am today with a son who I have to share with a man who isn't my husband and with that dwells challenges that are a consequence to having sex outside of marriage. What comes now is telling everyone about my son, who is the most precious gift of life I have ever experienced. I am thankful that God's plans were different than mine because I know that His will is to bring glory to him and he's allowing me to be used for that.
Here I am amazed that if I looked back on where I was a year ago today and someone told me where I would be I would have laughed in their face. But I'm here, my journey is not over and my adventure has added 2 more people I get to share my life with, my future husband Jason and my son, Jacob. Please experience this journey with me because I realize what I've missed so much these last few months and it's sharing my heart through words.
Thanks for reading.