Saturday, May 29, 2010

Messy on the inside

In a recent conversation with my sister about cleaning the bathroom I've come across a thought that provoked an understanding of a truth. The two of us just moved back into my Mom's house after we graduated from college, a seemingly common theme with our generation as a result of the economy, or an attempt to prolong adulthood. I discovered that we have two very different perspectives on how things should be cleaned. I find things clean when they are clean and organized on inside and as a result are clean on the outside, she thinks that as long as they look good on the outside it doesn't matter what they look like on the inside.
My mind takes me everywhere during conversations such as this but this time it led me to think of how we present ourselves to the world. We are all messy on the inside, all of us going through life, surviving, thriving, hurting, suffering all simultaneously but separately. I believe what makes us different is if we try to "clean" ourselves up so that we are organized enough to recognize the mess on the inside, or do we shove things to the back of the cabinet hoping that we won't have to worry about them because we don't see them. I've done both of these when it comes to attempting to heal my wounds from the past. But I have to say that either way they come back and really mess things up, maybe even ruin things because they leak onto other areas where the leak didn't need to spill. Like accidentally shoving a shampoo bottle that is half open to the back to discover it seeped all over the toilet paper. Or discovering that when we attempt to put our messes together and forget to screw the cap on tight enough, it explodes mid air in the airplane to later discover that the mess that you put with your nice stuff gets ruined when it's shoved into an area that can't hold its pressure.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to get to right now... but maybe I'm saying that when we don't clean out our lives from the inside out, we let the crap from our past leak unto the present and it gets messy, more messy than it should have it we would have dealt with the mess when it was right in front of us. Relationships are really tough, old ones and new ones haunt us with words that shouldn't have been said or that could have been said differently... the new ones haunt us with the ideas and possibilities that this new person is beginning to have the great capacity to hurt us deeply, again. But if we don't deal with the mess and shove it to the back of our hearts, it will explode over something that we didn't want it to. When we shove it back and try to ignore it we begin to be led by fear that the mess may manifest itself in a different way and end up really hurting us. What if we weren't led by fear but by love knowing that if we expose our mess with pure honesty with ourselves and those around us, asking forgiveness when we need to and forgiving others... then we build trust and trust we can love, and perfect love drives out fear.. so then we can deal with each other's messes together knowing that we are going to deal with it now, clean it up and if it spills again then we will clean it up again.. but the point is we have to expose our mess in order for anything to change. We can't keep shoving it to the back and hoping no one will see it, attempting to look perfect on the outside. Expose your mess so that in time, in faith and in trust we learn to heal...because we are ALL messy on the inside.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


We live in an entitled country. For the majority of us we don't need to worry about where our next meal is going to come from or how we are going to walk home safe from school. I am not speaking for all of America, only the area I have grown up in, Orange County. Someone put it well last night, that we are in extreme danger here in Orange County, in danger of becoming too comfortable here and not realizing that there are extreme injustices going on around the world today. Millions of lives being held captive to slavery, sex trafficking, political oppression, unclean water sanitation and insufficient nutrition. Many of us don't want to learn of these injustices because we feel helpless to making any kind of difference, so we choose not to do anything and go on pretending that our lives and our comfort are what's most important.

I had to leave this blog for a while and go on living my day, now it's 12:40am and I can't sleep. I have to laugh for a second in response to the phrase "be careful what you pray for"... because it was just a few hours ago where I asked God to remind me of the sorrow, fear, pain and helplessness I feel from my prior experiences traveling in Africa and my knowledge of modern day injustices. And now I can't stop crying, I feel this weight on me with the knowledge of these things but this overwhelming helplessness to do anything that would even make a difference at all. I think that it's normal to feel how I do now, but the difference that I choose to make is what to do with it, not to chalk it up as a loss saying it's too overwhelming and too big, but to stare this monster in the face and suffer alongside the people that are suffering. Because we were not meant to carry the burden on our own. We Americans and myself especially have lived a very privileged lifestyle. I have never had to worry about where my next meal is going to come from, or what would happen if I slipped into debt because I know that I have people that could support me financially. The thing that hurts me the most is that people are suffering and they are suffering alone.

I once heard that passion means to suffer. Which makes me think of the movie "Passion of the Christ", the suffering of Christ... who not only suffered with us he suffered for us. Maybe I can't solve the world of all the injustices of today but maybe I can suffer with the people who are suffering, maybe I can be passionate about them and maybe God will bless me with the opportunity to move the Kingdom forward and let the victims of oppression and injustice know that they are not alone, and that they are loved. I think this post just confirmed my calling to be a part of the World Race, that is if I get in. I've fought it like crazy because I'm so scared of what I would face in 11 months in 11 different countries... but I made a commitment to follow Jesus and if he leads me to the darkest areas in the world I will follow him there and rejoice his name the entire time. I don't have every part of myself figured out yet but I know that I am a very passionate person, which then means that in my passion I will suffer, but I choose to feel the suffering and not shut myself off or detach myself from the realities of injustice today. I choose.

Sunday, May 16, 2010


Today I am beginning a commitment to blog. As I sit here typing these words I have already gone through and erased them thinking how stupid this actually is, who is going to read this besides me? I am writing in a journal daily but for some reason feel the need to write on here as well, in hopes that my upcoming commitments are held to a higher standard because others are reading as well.
Here's where I am. I graduated from the University of Colorado at Boulder in December. I graduated a semester early in hopes of getting an internship that I didn't end up getting. Lost, confused and recently single I hit the point where I said, "Ok God, WHAT NOW?"... Are we really supposed to know the answer to that question right out of college? All I've known is to be a student my entire life. I think that's why so many people in my generation go back to school, because I've we've ever learned to be is a student.
not me, well not yet.
I think I'll go back to school but there's so much I want to see and do before that. I was bound to the idea of finding my future husband soon, seriously? Why am I so impatient!? God will provide him when he will, but until them I'm going to live my life.. So that's what I'm doing.. and that's what I'm writing about.
I just moved home to California from Colorado- What a way to start an adventure huh? I am here for an internship with Presbyterian Church of the Master and am really excited about it though apprehensive to leave beautiful Boulder and my friends. I know I'm here for a purpose and I'm here to figure out what that is! I am doing this more for myself than anyone else, because I've realized that I am a person who is not willing to admit it but is entirely petrified of commitment.. So here i'm starting, with a commitment to write what I'm doing and where I'm going. Buckle up, I have a feeling it's going to be a wild ride.