Thankful

I mentioned in the last post how every time we are thankful for something it doesn't allow Satan into that area of our lives.
I've truly loved seeing everyone's Facebook updates with November being a month of thankfulness. It brings me joy when people focus on the positive in their lives and not the negative.
I am thankful for an area that I also struggle in. How much my husband works.
I am incredibly thankful for his hard working heart and the weight of responsibility he has taken on to take care of this family. How much he works so that I am able to stay home with the kids. I am thankful  so his spirit of providing.
It has been hard though with his job and how he works during the holidays because obviously he makes more money, it's hard because he is missing time with Jacob and I and he is going to miss time with us as a family in general because of how much he works. I am realizing though that the holiday does not have to be celebrated on that specific day, that any time with family and friends is what God calls us to celebrate. He calls us to celebrate relationships and community, friendship and family. Any time that I am able to do that with Jason than I must be thankful for that, not being bitter about the times that we didn't get together.. but in a spirit of thankfulness to appreciate the moments that we do have with him and to watch the joy that flows from Jacob every time Jason is around. I am thankful for the moments when we are all together, I am thankful for laughter and joy because I have felt it so much today. Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving as well :)

Moved into our new house!

I know, it's been a while since I've written but it doesn't mean I haven't been praying or haven't been thinking a lot about everything going on.
Let me start by saying I am beyond words in gratitude for this amazing house that God has provided. Jason and I had a rough couple of days moving, it honestly brings out the worst in people. It is a real life tangible example of how in marriage two people with two different ways of doing things come together to make things work. It's been great working through things with Jason and finding joy in working together.
Our house is still completely in boxes and there isn't one room that is fully done except the kitchen and the bathrooms because my amazing Mom and sister came down from orange county to help me out! They worked so hard all day and had a huge helping hand in making this place feel like home.
Today is the first day that I've actually sat down and not worked for over 15 hours straight moving and unpacking boxes. My body is hurting so bad, I know Jason is exhausted too. We are working hard to get the house ready for when we get Jacob back on Wednesday. I'm so ready to show him his new room and the play areas we have set up for him! This place is really starting to feel like home. But I don't feel like an adult to be honest, I don't feel like we own a house... I sometimes still feel like that free spirit I was in college, doing whatever I wanted to do and not having any real responsibilities. But what a beautiful place to come from and to now be. I am so thankful that God has provided a beyond amazing husband, a beautiful 1 year old and a growing baby on the way. I am thankful for this house and how comfortable I already am in it and I am also thankful for our doggies who have done so well in the transition! Here's to home making... :)

A wagon ride and a mommy-son dinner date to Chick fil a

Crisp fall air circles around our neighborhood, snuggled and warm on this beautiful afternoon my sweet son wakes up from his nap and I strap him into his new wagon that Grandma got us for his birthday and we are on our way. He is holding onto the sides and observing every house along the way. Laughing here and there an pointing up at the autumn trees and clouds rolling by. We walk around the block I don't notice any noises besides his occasional giggling and the sounds of the wagon wheels rolling on the sidewalk. It was a series of incredibly peaceful moments with Jacob, and I am thankful we were able to go for the walk today.
After the walk we put our shoes on and headed out on a date to chick fil-a. Just sat there together and laughed as he tried to stick his food in my mouth and I tried to get him to eat chicken. He watched every little boy and girl run by on the way to the play area and I could tell that all he wanted was to get down and run with them. He's not walking yet, so it may be a little while before that happens but it was great to see his playful personality be so attracted to other children.
I thought about what life is going to look like with two boys soon. I thought about how much food is going to get dropped (or thrown) on the floor during meal times, the amount of dirt that is tracked in the house, the amount of rough housing and possible trips to the emergency room. I thought about the special bond that brothers share and especially two boys that are going to be this close in age. They will be each other's best friend and constant companion. I am enthusiastic about these boys and a little tired already thinking about it, but I know God has given me these boys because I can handle them. I am inspired by the thoughts of future adventures, play times, pretending we are all pirates, setting up a nerf gun fight for dad when he gets home from work. I envision so much laughter and noise in my future and I couldn't be more thankful for that.
Today was a good day with my little guy, we had a lot of fun together... and we are so excited for baby brother to join our fun soon.

Jacob's 1st birthday weekend

I am astounded at how blessed I am. God has brought such a joy into our lives through Jacob. This weekend was such a ray of light and a glimpse of what our family has been established in through Christ.
We celebrated Jacob turning 1 on Saturday (his birthday was on Friday) we did a Thomas the Train themed party at the Old Poway park down the street from us that has old trains that we could all ride. It was simple, subway sandwiches and chips with a fun cake but it was so nice to just celebrate Jacob with our family.
I have to shout out a huge thanks to my family who has been amazingly supportive of us and has really helped Jason and I out in so many ways, I will forever be thankful for my Mom who is so willing to serve and her generosity is a true inspiration to me. My Dad and step Mom, Lisa has been huge factors in our ability to have custody of Jacob because they are helping us out with attorney costs. They are so generous and kind that Jason and I are taken back by how much they've done for us. I am so thankful for my sister, brother in law, brother,  sister in law and cousin who are such lights in our lives and have been such a source of joy.
The truth is how important family is here, and I have to say how blessed I am so have Jason in my life. The man is one incredible hunk of amazing to me and I constantly wonder how God blessed me with such a man that every day I would be taken back by the man that he is. God did good when he made Jason, and a huge part of that is Jason's family. His Mom and Dad did such a great job raising this young man to follow Christ and love others. They are a huge spiritual support system for Jason and I. Jason's sister and brother, and our sister and brother in law's are huge inspirations to family life in how they are raising their families. The biggest humbling experience I have had in this is how Jason's family has embraced Jacob as one of their own and they are loving them as Christ wants Jacob to be loved.
I am inspired
I am thankful
I am filled with joy
and I am recognizing that it is all because of Christ.

I think the best moments of this weekend were Jacob smashing his hands into his little cake and not eating any of it but just laughing with joy as he played with the fun colored frosting and watching him interact with our family and friends with such a playful personality. But my truly favorite moment was after the party was over and Jason and I were getting Jacob ready for bed, we all participated in Jacob's bath and watched him play with his new bath toys, we got him all snuggled up and then we opened a few of his toys to play with. There was a very specific moment when I remember just watching Jason play with Jacob and his new police car toy, Jacob looked at Jason with such heroism. Jason is Jacob's magnet, he is drawn to him and they play so incredibly well together. We all laughed and played around far past Jacob's bed time but we were all having so much fun it didn't matter. It was a moment of pure unadulterated joy. and it amazes me that God has provided this family for Jacob and baby J on the way. I am amazed at where we've come from a year ago and how many huge ways God has revealed himself to us and has blessed us abundantly.
I am feeling so thankful for such a great weekend.

Garage sale success.. spirit of Gratitude.

Jason and I woke up early this morning and went along with my in-law's to their ritual saturday morning garage sailing. At first we were just going to browse but we found some pretty incredible things! New toys for Jacob, adorable picture frames, a life size giraffe for the nursery, new plates, bread maker, etc! I mean some amazing things all for under $120.00 We're pretty proud of ourselves :).
 So Jason is at work now at the hospital and I am home alone, without Jacob and trying to find a way to keep myself busy so I decided that tonight was the night I was going to pack everything up that I could. I have been working in Jacob's room going through all his little clothes and organizing things for new baby Ferguson. Having a hard time not having him here, I have committed to finding something to be thankful for every time I think about how unfair this all it. Every time that we choose thankfulness instead of thinking how life isn't fair, we shoot Satan down. The enemy looses when we find a spirit of gratitude in the hardest of moments. So today I am thankful that I can get all this packing and cleaning done in preparation for our new house while Jacob is away. It would take me much longer with a baby and I am thankful that I get to utilize this time to prepare for the time that I do have him. I am thankful for every moment that I have Jacob, and I am thankful for the times that Jason and I can have together experiencing married life without a child. God is good and faithful and knows what we need, and like I said yesterday God knows what Jacob needs and he has his plan for him. I am so thankful for that. I'm looking forward to this new chapter in our lives and so excited to see what the Lord is going to do!

Being thankful

God has exceedingly shown his faithfulness lately. I constantly have been feeling his voice saying "just trust me"... so I have, and I've allowed God to use the people in my life to bring an overwhelming amount of encouragement and love. One of my dearest friends and mentor said to me that even in the midst of a difficult situation, always be thankful because as soon as you are thankful for something is squash's Satan's ability to get you down. So Jason and I started a tradition where we write on a whiteboard on the refrigerator every day the reason we are thankful for that day. It's been a great way to think positively and live in thankfulness to Christ. What are you thankful for today?

My story & my son-

I'm not sure how to even begin this blog, but I guess that I just did. I have been apprehensive about even opening up a "new post" on here because I knew it would bring me to this moment of being completely real and honest with myself and I haven't been able to do that with my whole heart in a long time.

The truth is, I haven't been the best version of my self and I have made a few decisions in this last year that have led me to some pretty dark places in my life. My sin drowned me for a while and it wasn't until I was pulled out of the depths of the darkness I had allowed to be created around me that I realized the pain and despair I was causing others. The thing is, I brought it on myself, and I have and will continue to own that because as long as I own it I realize I am washed clean by the redemptive waters of Christ. My faith and hope in him is new each morning, and I have found a whole new definition of trusting my faithful father throughout all of this.

Without any excuses for my actions or justifications for why I did what I did, I will confess my short comings in order to allow my story and the people involved in my story to continue to allow it to be turned into God's story. He is the ruler of my life, regardless of the bad decisions I have made, He has been faithful to me. In premarital counseling yesterday, the pastor who is going to marry Jason and I told us that the bad things (sin) in our lives all have repercussions, all sin has consequence, even though we are forgiven, doesn't mean we do not have to suffer the consequences of our sins. Our pastor also told us that the consequences to our sins will always turn into blessings when we give them to God. I am at the place in my life where the repercussions are turning to blessings and it is a great place to be standing. With that I understand that my story cannot be used for the good and glory for His Kingdom if it not spoken aloud. So as I humble myself before myself and ask that you continue reading.. and to ask me questions, challenge me come along side of me as we are all sinners in need of grace.

As you know, I am getting married very soon to an incredible man named Jason. We met on e-harmony in April and quickly hit it off, we have been inseparable ever since. As Jason has walked with me through the hardest time in my life. It wasn't even 2 weeks into Jason and I dating that I found out I was pregnant from my previous relationship. It was the first time in my life where I understood completely if the man I was with wanted to leave me, I did not deserve to ask him to stand by my side but he chose to and we walked through this journey together. The people that I had told were numbered few but the ones that I did I had received the response of abortion being my number one option. For me, it wasn't even a thought. Yes it was the easy route, a quick fix to a mistake... But to me, that was never an option. Because that was no option for me I was kicked out of the house I was living. I knew the journey ahead of me was going to be difficult but I had no idea how difficult it was about to get.

It is hard to illustrate the months of suffering and decision making I went through, but I had made a conscious decision that adoption was the best option for the baby I was carrying. I had grown up in a home where my parents were not together, I know brokenness well and I did not want that for this baby. I wanted one home with two loving parents that would take care of him and to be raised with a foundation of Christ. I researched adoption and God brought to me an amazing adoptive couple whom I had met with several times and fallen in love with. They are incredible people and I will forever be connected to them as my brothers and sisters in Christ. I had 5 weeks left until my due date and at the park one night with Jason and our dogs, my water broke. I went into labor and immediately left for the hospital. I honestly couldn't get the epidural fast enough ( I really don't know how some women do natural birth- I am still amazed at the amount of pain I experienced! ) I checked into the hospital at 10:30pm and at 5:00am I was woken up by the doctors and nurses with a 103 fever and the baby's heart rate was bad, I was rushed in for an emergency C-section and at 5:33am on November 9th, 2011, Jacob Andrew Beale was born.

Jason stepped up and supported me in all ways a man can and without him, I wouldn't have gotten through any of this. 

So here I am today with a son who I have to share with a man who isn't my husband and with that dwells challenges that are a consequence to having sex outside of marriage. What comes now is telling everyone about my son, who is the most precious gift of life I have ever experienced. I am thankful that God's plans were different than mine because I know that His will is to bring glory to him and he's allowing me to be used for that.

Here I am amazed that if I looked back on where I was a year ago today and someone told me where I would be I would have laughed in their face. But I'm here, my journey is not over and my adventure has added 2 more people I get to share my life with, my future husband Jason and my son, Jacob. Please experience this journey with me because I realize what I've missed so much these last few months and it's sharing my heart through words.

Thanks for reading.

Xo,

LB